Comments on: Tips to Minimize Bitter Morning Sickness

Comments on: Tips to Minimize Bitter Morning Sicknesshttps://www.thecloser.cc/tips-to-minimize-bitter-morning-sickness.htmComplete Healthy Lifestyle Guide and InformationsWed, 19 May 2010 06:07:47 +0000http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.5hourly1

Homemade protein shakes

Protein shakes provide just proteins, but also vitamins, minerals and carbohydrates, essential for energy and increase muscle mass.

It is common for people who work their muscles in the gym, play sports or do much physical activity resort to protein shakes to increase muscle and get enough energy to achieve better physical performance.

But protein shakes are beneficial not only for athletes but for anyone who does not consume enough protein in their diet.

They are beneficial for those who want to increase body mass or weight gain, but also help to supplement diets of children and adolescents in the growth stage, patients in recovery and those who in one way or another are unable to feed properly.

Prepare homemade protein shakes

* To prepare protein shakes you need a blender first, then choose from the list which you will mix.

Foods that are known to make protein shakes are: Whole eggs, egg whites, skim milk, soy milk, nonfat yogurt, unflavored gelatin, flavored gelatin, flaked cereals, nuts, almonds, hazelnuts, yeast, bananas (bananas) and strawberries.

Some protein shakes

* A pot of low fat yogurt, a banana and two egg whites, blending and babies immediately.
Some people do protein shakes in large quantities and stored in refrigerator for drinking for several days is more comfortable but it is advisable to be prepared and drinking at the moment.

* Another protein shake can be done with a pint of skim milk, a tablespoon of brewer’s yeast powder and 6 ripe strawberries.

* Within the protein shakes the classic is almost half a liter of milk, a couple of ripe bananas, an egg and a spoonful of cereal flakes.

* Another option is a half liter of soya milk, one tablespoon unflavored gelatin dissolved in hot water before and 2 tablespoons ground nuts, add some fruit for flavor.

Recommendation: protein shakes are not sugar.

No whole eggs should take more than three times a week, since yolk cholesterol increases.

Instead of an egg, two egg whites can be used, the amount of protein intake is equal or superior.

Add fresh fruit to the preparation of protein shakes provides most vitamins.

Although it seems obvious worth clarifying that the protein shakes are not alcohol.

Those who suffer from liver problems, high uric acid, kidney stones or high cholesterol can not eat some foods mentioned in the list, in such cases consult your doctor about how to replace.

Protecting Yourself on the Internet

Why do husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, lie to each other?

Our romantic relationships are seldom what they seem.  We all want a relationship that is built on openness, intimacy, and trust, but the truth is, our relationships do not always work that way.  More often than not, our intimate relationships involve secrecy and deceit.  In fact, if you want to look for deception and betrayal in your own life, the best place to start is close to home.  Husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, often lie about their true feelings for each other, the feelings they have for others, and their level of commitment.  Indeed, it is safe to say that people save their biggest and most serious lies for those they love.

For better or worse, our romantic relationships are full of paradoxes which we try to overlook, downplay and ignore.  For the most part, this strategy works well.  Until the day comes when it doesn’t, and with little warning or preparation we have to confront face-on the reality that our close relationships are not exactly what they appear to be.

Eventually, almost everyone will catch a spouse or partner in one of their lies.  Inevitably, we have a difficult time coping with what we have learned and dealing with the fact that someone close has betrayed our trust.  We do not expect our partners to mislead us, nor do we have insight into how and why deception occurs.

In fairness, it should also be mentioned that it is just as likely that a partner or spouse will catch you in one of your own attempts to deceive.  And ironically, we are just as unprepared to deal with this kind of situation.

Ignoring the paradoxes inherent in our romantic relationships turns out to be a costly strategy and most people pay the price for this decision, unexpectedly, and all at once.  It’s not so much that coming to terms with the use of deception in romantic relationships will solve all of the problems you are going to encounter, but it will certainty help to reduce the stress, anxiety, and uncertainty that occur when deception eventually comes to light.

In fact, when it comes love and romance, most of the things we believe, are not true.  Most people believe that all of their marital or relational problems can be solved through “communication.”  We believe that deception is difficult to achieve, that misleading a partner requires a lot of effort and thought, and that romantic partners can tell when a lover is lying, and so on.  None of these widely held beliefs, however, are supported by the evidence.  Rather, our romantic relationships are held together by a delicate balance of both candor and deceit.  And both are critical to making our intimate relationships work.

In reality, romantic relationships entail two important features which allow deception to flourish: abundant opportunity, as well as the need to deceive.  As we get close to another person, we intentionally and unintentionally provide them with a great deal of information about who we are, revealing ourselves through both our words and deeds.  Creating this kind of intimacy or shared knowledge is critical, as it serves as the foundation for a lot of important rewards. Through our close relationships, we create gains with respect to our health, wealth, and emotional well-being.

Because relationships provide so many important rewards, it should come as no surprise that people are inclined to view their romantic partners in a positive light.  We place a lot of trust in our romantic partners.  We think we know them well. But while our trust surely provides us with a sense of security and comfort, it also lays the ground for deceit.  For as we trust our partners more, we also become more confident but less accurate at determining when the truth is being told.

Every relevant study attests to the fact that lovers are terrible at telling when their partners are lying.  In fact, detecting deception with anyone is difficult to do, but lovers manage to take this general failure to a spectacular low. Again, as we become more confident that we can tell when a lover is lying, the exact opposite turns out to be true.  This “truth-bias” or “blind faith” provides the perfect opportunity for romantic partners to engage in deception.  After all, who makes a better victim than someone who is eager and willing to trust everything you have to say?

Not only do close relationships create a wonderful opportunity for deception to occur, they also create the need.  While romantic relationships offer many rewards, they also tend to be overly constrictive.  Most everyone has felt the constraints of a close relationship from time to time; quite simply you are no longer free to do what you want, when you want, and with whom you want.  So intimacy provides tremendous rewards, but at an enormous cost – the loss of your freedom and autonomy.

Lying to a romantic partner helps us deal with the constraints that our intimate relationships impose.  Quite frankly, deceiving a romantic partner turns out to be the most efficient and effective way of maintaining the rewards we get from our romantic relationships while pursuing extra-relational goals and activities behind a partner’s back.

How do we decide when to lie and when to tell the truth?  Well, most of the time we do not intentionally think about misleading our partners.  Rather such decisions are governed by our emotions and just seem to happen when the right situation presents itself.  Often a sense of excitement, opportunity, and exhilaration can lead us down paths we had no intention of traveling.  A sense of fear, loss, and trepidation, on the other hand, prompt us to cover-up what we’ve done and be more conservative in the short-term.  Luckily our emotions are very good at reading situations and keeping our deceptive behavior within limits.  Our emotions prompt us to regain some of our freedoms while also allowing us to maintain the benefits we get from our intimate relationships.

When you take a step back and put it altogether, the picture that emerges tends to be rather ironic.  Because our romantic relationships are so rewarding yet constrictive, we are simultaneously more truthful and more deceptive with those we love.  Additionally, we place the most trust in the person who is most likely to deceive us, just as we are most likely to deceive the person who loves and trusts us the most.  These are just a few of the paradoxes that emerge when taking a close look at the use of deception in our romantic relationships.  Most of what is uncovered runs counter to our most cherished beliefs about love and romance; that is, the idea that complete openness and intimacy are a central and defining feature of being in love.

Initially most people avoid looking for deception by a loved one.  But as you begin to examine your own behavior more closely it becomes harder to dismiss the degree to which lies, betrayal, secrecy and deceit are ever present in our close relationships.  Hopefully, you will take on a greater appreciation for the complexities of your relationships as well as a richer understanding of what it means to be in love.

Regardless of the final outcome, taking a close look at deception in your life will change the way you view yourself and others.

About The Author: Article by Timothy Cole, PhD.  For more information on how, when, and why husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, lie to those they love, visit Truth about Deception.com at http://www.truthaboutdeception.com

 

 

Choosing the Correct Line of Mineral Makeup

When choosingMineral Makeup the correct line of mineral makeup, you know what your skin type Have dry and mature skin? Do you have oily skin and red bumps you to place you based? Do you burn easily skin? There are three very important questions to which you must answer before you choose your line of mineral makeup.

1. Dry and mature: We interviewed women with dry skin and aged to get their opinions about the mineral foundation. As we expected, opinions were very diverse. What we discovered is that if the skin is not properly cared for both inside and out, no matter what kind of makeup you use, the results are not expected. Dry skin needs to be moisturized in the morning and evening. Should also be given special care to the area around the eyes A healthy diet that includes lots of water is essential! This will keep the skin hydrated and less accentuated wrinkles. With all these elements, mineral makeup is well adapted to dry and mature face. It is not heavy or greasy. It glides well on face. Does not accumulate in the creases, illuminating face.

The women with whom we spoke and whose tests were not successful, it took good care of your skin. Their concerns revolved around the makeup accumulated wrinkles, which gives the skin a more even dry. We recommend cleanse, tone and moisturize your skin before applying mineral foundation. When applying foundation, do it gently and gradually until you reach the desired coverage. We also recommend looking for a mineral makeup foundation cream. That seems to resolve most concerns.

The exceptionally good news for mature skin and mineral makeup ingredient is titanium dioxide, which also offers some sun protection. We know that both UVA and UVB are devastating for mature skin and for all other types of skin. This key ingredient helps sun protection, but should not be considered as the only method used.

2. Oily Skin: Do research on the mineral ingredients before buying a product if you have oily skin and red bumps with ease. Although mineral makeup is safe and healthy for most people who use it, as with all products, perhaps the brand you choose is the worsening your condition Why? We thought that one of the reasons for using mineral makeup was to combat the typical granite oily skin. The answer is quite simple. Although mineral makeup contains natural ingredients that are beneficial, may also contain some ingredients that can bring up stains caused by clogged pores.

Find cosmetic brands that do not have these ingredients: bismuth oxychloride (may clog pores), alcohol (dry), talc and dimethicone (soiling). These ingredients can further irritate the skin, worsening oil production and acne. Looking good ingredients like zinc oxide, which heals the skin and is a natural anti-inflammatory. Moreover, the ingredient called serecite helps reduce the appearance of pores, a common feature of oily skin.

3. Skin that burns easily: If you have a skin that burns easily in the sun, you should pay close attention to mineral makeup. Yes it is true that contains titanium dioxide, a mineral that provides natural sun protection, but this is not enough to protect your skin. Please do not trust the only mineral makeup as your sunscreen. Your skin is too valuable.

Alison’s 12 Steps to Getting Noticed Online in the UK

sockieboosby Alison Edwards

If you want to achieve success with online dating, you will need to educate yourself with the online dating scene. Online dating sites provide a service for people to meet but a dating site can only do so much of the work and input is required from you if you are serious about meeting a partner online.

Whilst thousands of people are joining dating sites every day, hundreds are not making the most of the services a dating site has to offer. I’m no psychic but I’m pretty certain that someone who writes a dull or uninformative profile, doesn’t include a photo and makes no effort to contact anyone will not be inundated with invitations for a date.

By making a few simple changes to the way you are dating online, you could see instant results meeting people you would never have met before so don’t be a wallflower, stand out online and be proactive in your search for a date.

1. Sell Yourself

Your profile is like an advertisement and you need to sell yourself in the dating game.

The eye-catching part of you profile is your photo. Include a photo of yourself (not someone else or a cartoon!) and you could increase your responses by as much as 8 times.

Answer all questions honestly, be positive, focus on your good points and provide members with just enough information about yourself so that they are eager to find out more. Please don’t talk about exes or how miserable your life is.. it won’t attract people to you!

2. Search outside of the box

We may all have an idea of our ideal partner but just because someone is slightly younger, older or from a different town doesn’t mean they won’t turn out to be your ideal partner! Most dating sites provide a search facility to vary your search settings so if your search results don’t reveal anyone who catches your eye try widening your search settings.

3. Get intimate anonymously

The beauty of online dating is that you can get to know someone without revealing any personal details. Emails are sent using an anonymous messaging facility so take advantage of this and spend as long as you wish getting to know someone. Don’t feel
pressured into meeting up with someone you have just met online. If they are serious, they will be happy to wait if this is your preference.

4. Make the first move

Don’t be shy – you make the first move. Remember everyone online is serious about meeting someone so, if you see someone you like, contact him or her first. Don’t wait for someone to contact you.

5. Make conversation

Show your interest – The best way to get someone’s attention and get a response is to ask a question specific to his or her profile. This shows you have read their profile and are
interested in them.

Flatter them! – Don’t be afraid to use your charm! Whether you like their photo or you are impressed by the fact that they have run the marathon – tell them. Everyone likes receiving compliments.

Make them laugh! – I think if you can make someone laugh or someone makes you laugh, you’re on the path to a good relationship. Be witty and amusing in your messages and they will look forward to hearing from you.

Be flirtatious, not rude! – Don’t be afraid to flirt a little if that’s how you feel but equally don’t be too flirtatious as it could be taken the wrong way. Never talk about sex or imply
this is what you are looking for.

6. Keep a little mystique!

Whilst I would encourage you to talk openly and honestly about yourself so that people get to know you try not to tell your whole life story in one e-mail. Hold a little something back for the next message.

7. Arrange a chat room date

Chat rooms are another great way to chat instantly with someone without revealing any personal information. A quality chat room will also provide the facility to have a private one-to-one chat with someone so if you’ve messaged someone, why not invite them to meet you in the chat room at a specific time and day just like a “real” date. You can then decide whether you want to take it further “offline”.

8. Chat on the phone

If you’re thinking of arranging a date with someone, chat to him or her on the telephone first but use the blocking feature to prevent your number appearing on Caller ID. Go over topics that you’ve mentioned in emails to verify that what he or she has told you is the truth. Ask yourself if the voice you are talking to is someone you feel comfortable with and someone you could trust.

9. Don’t be disheartened

If you’ve sent a message but haven’t received a reply, don’t be disheartened. There could be many reasons why someone hasn’t replied to a message you’ve sent; the recipient may not have logged on for a while, their membership may have lapsed or they may not be a full member entitling them to reply back to you.

If you’ve sent one message then follow it up with a second message to show him or her that you are genuinely interested. If you still don’t get a response, move on to the next person!

10. Give people a chance

If you receive a message from someone who does not immediately tick all of your boxes, don’t rule them out straight away. Reply back to him or her and try and find out a bit more about them. You may have more in common than you first thought and, if not, at least you can say you tried.

11. Be polite when rejecting

If you don’t like someone who has contacted you, do not be rude or offensive. You can either ignore them (hopefully this will get the message across) or politely tell them you are not interested. A reputable dating site will provide a facility to “block” nuisances sending you messages so, if someone is pestering you, don’t be afraid to use this tool.

12. Be safe!

Do not give anyone your home telephone number, address or workplace address until you have met a number of times and are 100% comfortable with that person. Remember that people can be whoever they want to be online – wait until your instincts tell you this is someone you can trust.

If you find you don’t get many responses, you may need to think about alternative conversation starters or rewrite your profile.

Hopefully you’ve got the idea now so it’s over to you! Good luck and remember to have fun!

About The Author: Alison Edwards runs www.SnappyDates.com a UK based dating site. SnappyDates.com is an active community where people of all ages meet looking for a relationship, friendship and even marriage! SnappyDates.com’s services include anonymous messaging, chat room, private one-to one chat, various search methods and much more.

 

What is Your PROBLEM?

“There Must be 50 Ways to …”
leave
by Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach

“What is your problem?” Have you ever gotten exasperated and asked someone that in “that” tone of voice?

 

Mary: “I want to move near my grandchildren, but how on earth will I move myself up there alone?”

You: “Just call a moving company. What is your problem?”

 

Abby: “I hate being an entrepreneur, but you have no idea how hard it is to get back into a corporation with all the downsizing.

You: “Just call a career coach. What is your problem?”

 

Millicent: “I ought to get a raise, but how on earth do I ask him for one?”

You: “Just ask. What is your problem?”

 

Antonio: “How on earth do I tell my wife I’m in love with another woman?”

You: “Just tell her. What is your problem?”

 

Liu: “I hate this house. I hate it.”
You: You’ve been saying that for 3 years now. What is your problem?”

 

What is the PROBLEM when the solution is so EASY?

 

Easy to us who are on the outside.

Easy to us who are not emotionally involved and can therefore be objective

Easy for us who are not hamstrung by ambivalence (indecision) and can think clearly

Easy for us because we can think logically, and the steps are obvious IF the decision has been made AND there are no emotions involved.

 

How do you ask for a raise? Gosh, there must be 50 ways to ask for a raise.

neuanfang

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Trennung … Scheidung … Neuanfang
…breakup … divorce … starting over
It’s the same the world over.

Remember that great old song by Paul Simon, “There Must Be 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover”?
simon

He’s talking with a woman …

 

”The problem is all inside your head,” she tells him. “The answer is easy if you take it logically. I’d like to help you with your struggle to be free. There must be 50 ways to leave your lover.”

 

When we’re in an emotional situation, we can be “flooded” and unable to think clearly. We get “hijacked.” How do you ask for a raise? You ask for a raise. And it can really get painful to be hung up that way.

 

“It grieves me so to see you in such pain,” she continues in the song. “I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again.”

 

He says he appreciates that, “and would you please explain about the 50 ways?”

 

Slip out the back, Jack

Make a new plan, Stan

You don’t need to be coy, Roy

Just listen to me.

 

Hop on the bus, Gus

You don’t need to discuss much

Just drop off the key, Lee

And get yourself free.

 

And then she has a good idea. “Why don’t we just sleep on it tonight,” she says, and then she kisses him, and he “realized she probably was right … there must be 50 ways to leave your lover.”

 

Smart girl! She didn’t have a problem figuring out how to get what she wanted.

Emotions motivate us. We will sit on the fence until the pain gets too bad in one direction, or the expected pleasure too great in the other direction.

 

And when we get the feelings that motivate us, we discover there must be 50 ways to …

 

As the poet said, “Kisses are a better fate than wisdom.” Emotions are our guides. That’s what Emotional Intelligence is all about.

 

©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, Internet courses and ebooks to help you find the mate of your dreams.  Email SUSAN DUNN for more information, and free EQ ezine.  To investigate the person you’re dating, let The Closer help you.  We want you to have a great dating experience on the Internet!

Susan is the author of Midlife Dating Survival Manual for Women, available HERE:.

What To Do When You Think Your Partner’s Cheating on You

doubtby Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach

There’s nothing worse than having to wonder all day (and night) whether your partner is cheating on you. Whether you’re in an exclusive dating arrangement, or marriage, it’s a betrayal of trust, and that’s what a good relationship is founded on: trust. When you must think about a cheating partner, it will eat away at your self-confidence, destroy your happiness, and consume time and energy that could be devoted to enjoying your love, having fun with friends and family, getting ahead at work, making more money, and generally being glad you’re alive

 

If you suspect he or she is cheating on you, the most important thing you can do is get solid proof. You’re in a losing position if you only suspect that they are, because then if you bring it up, they can do what guilty people do – accuse you of being the problem, saying that you’re jealous, unstable of paranoid. This gets the pressure of them, and makes you feel even worse, which is what they’re after.

 

You don’t want to be shadow-boxing, just trading accusations back and forth. After all, if your lover is cheating, that’s what needs to be addressed, not your emotional reaction to it, which is quite normal under the circumstances. It’s one of the worst things that can happen, so who wouldn’t be upset?

 

You don’t want to be in this position. You must know what’s going on and be able to confront them with evidence.

 

This is hard, because it means you’re going to have to face one of two things – either your partner is cheating on you, which is sickening; or you are overly-suspicious and you need to look into this, or you’re going to ruin a good thing. Unfounded accusations have a way of turning into self-fulfilling prophecies. Accuse them enough of cheating, and they’ll think, “She/he thinks I’m cheating and I’m getting all this grief. I might as well go ahead and do it.”

 

So first, take a good look at what is causing your suspicion. Have you found lipstick on his collar? Love notes in the glove box of the car? Is he staying away from home a lot and giving funny reasons that don’t check out? Has she quit having sex with you? And remember, your partner doesn’t have to leave the house to cheat. Many are looking online, and conducting affairs via the Internet.

 

If, on the other hand, things are pretty much the same, and you’re just worrying, ask yourself why you’re doing that? Some people do cheat, but not all, by any means. Sometimes both men and women need space – time to themselves, time with friends, hobbies, or a project at work, or simply time to be alone and reflect. Did your last husband or boyfriend cheat on you? That doesn’t mean this one will, but if you keep nagging about it, you may push him in that direction. Was your first wife unfaithful to you? Your current wife may have eyes only for you!

 

It’s time to take a good, long look at the situation, and this requires courage. You need to find out for sure, and either confirm your suspicions, or realize that you’re worrying about something that isn’t likely to happen.

 

How do you get the courage to do this? Well, if you think back over situations in the past, you’ll realize that almost anything is better than not knowing. Whatever it is, once you know for sure, you can make a decision and take action. In order to do this you need information.

 

The only thing worse than being cheated on, is ruining a good relationship with unfounded speculation.

 

If you find out your partner’s cheating, then you have to figure out what to do – whether to leave or stay. We recommend you read:

Should You Stay or Should You Go” – for excellent tips on this difficult decision-process.

In addition, we recommend: Break Free from the Affair

 

Good luck!

 

©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, Internet courses and ebooks to help you find the mate of your dreams.  Email SUSAN DUNN for more information, and free EQ ezine.  To investigate the person you’re dating, let The Closer help you.  We want you to have a great dating experience on the Internet!

Ehen Mr./Ms. Right Isn’t Right for You

rightcouple

When Mr./Ms. Right Isn’t Right for You
by Susan Dunn, MA, the EQ Emotional Intelligence Coach

With a divorce rate hovering around 50%, there’s a 50-50 chance your relationship isn’t going to make it. What’s even more sobering is the fact the rate goes up to 60% for second marriages, and 70% for third marriages. Someone isn’t learning something!

When it comes to marriage, the happiest couples, the ones whose marriages are sustainable over time, are those with high EQ skills. It’s not that they chose “the perfect mate” – they don’t exist; or that they don’t have problems – we all do and we all fight over the same things. Research confirms that the most important thing for making a marriage happen is your conflict resolution skills – the ability to work out and live with differences.

So you’re off to the best start if you look at your intended partner’s EQ skills rather than superficial things, like hairstyle and designer suits, or oven the quantity of “hot.” In fact, I coach many people whose relationships have repeatedly failed who’ve learned (the hard way) that “scenery gets old,” and initial overwhelming “chemistry” always turns out bad in the end. The Italians say, “Too sweet a beginning has a bitter ending.”

So what do you do when you’re in a relationship that seems to have turned a bad corner? How do you know whether to stay or get out. There are some great tips about this in Should You Go or Should You Stay.

While you learn about how to make such a difficult decision, it’s a good idea to work on your own interpersonal skills. It’s a good idea to do that all the time! These things don’t just happen, and you aren’t just born with them, they have to be learned!

When Mr./Ms. Right is beginning to look like a bad choice, or the pressures of the rest of your life are impinging on your attitude and disposition, it’s very tempting to start trying to change the other person. The weapon of choice is often criticism, complaining, nagging, or whining. These tactics can be a habitual way of dealing with tension, but they come from the victim position.

Let’s face it, things aren’t going well, the tension’s building inside you, you feel like you’ve “tried everything,” and you just aren’t being heard or understood. Pretty soon little things set you off, and you’re leaking venom. You’re even aware you can’t stand yourself when you do that!

If you take step back and take a look at what’s underneath this, you’ll likely discover you want something that’s not happening, and are choosing a strategy guaranteed to make the opposite happen. It’s time to try something different, but you may not know what else to try. An EQ coach can help you find the way through the fog, and also suggest new strategies; one’s that have a chance of working.

If you chose a good person in the beginning, and probably you did, it’s a shame to watch it disappear because of things you could change.

©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, Internet courses and ebooks to help you find the mate of your dreams.  Email SUSAN DUNN for more information, and free EQ ezine.  To investigate the person you’re dating, let The Closer help you.  We want you to have a great dating experience on the Internet!

Dating? What a Trip! Be Wiser, Not Sadder and Wiser

by Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach

Shelly’s been divorced for several years and finally in the mood to start dating again.  Like most women, she took a long time for her broken heart to heal.  She waited until her every thought wasn’t about her lost love.  She lived with the pain, knowing that she wasn’t ready for a new relationship because she wasn’t emotionally available and had nothing to give.  The few dates she had were disasters – everything reminded her of her ex or made her anxious – so she took a time out.

She got busy doing other things.  She made a life with her children, poured herself into her job and volunteer work.

One day she realized there was something missing in her life, and that dating sounded good.  She was ready for a new relationship. She had ignored herself and her needs for long enough, and was hungry for the love and attention of a man.  She had a lot to give.

So what does she find when she steps out into the dating world in earnest?

She finds Anthony.  Anthony’s separated and sure he’s going to go through with the divorce, but his main drive is that he’s lonely and in pain.  So, like most men, he’s going to make the pain go away as fast as he can, by replacing one woman with another, or rather replacing affection and attention with affection and attention.

It doesn’t matter a whole lot to Anthony who the woman is, just as long as it’s now.  While not exactly mindful about it, a nurturing, motherly type would be nice, someone who’ll take care of him and not cause him a lot of “trouble.”  In fact he may not tell the truth about his situation, being vague about whether he’s married, separated or divorced, and for how long.

So we have a woman who’s waited too long, and has a lot to give, and a man who hasn’t waited long enough, who wants to be given a lot.

Pain and suffering.  They’re a part of life we don’t like to think about, don’t like to see others have, and don’t like to have ourselves.  Breaking up with someone we love is so hard on us, it’s almost incomprehensible that in the US the first-marriage divorce rate is 50%; the second-marriage divorce rate, 60%; and the third-marriage divorce rate, 70%.

Somebody isn’t learning something!

Men react to emotional pain the way they do to most emotions —  as a call to action.  If a man loses the love of a woman, he will go out and find the love of another woman.  He is not always discriminating about this, nor does he take his time.  These transitional relationships usually end abruptly when the man does begin to heal, and feels good about himself again.

Women react to emotional pain the way they do to most emotions —  feeling them, dealing with them, turning to work and service to others and being reluctant to get involved again.

Women feel the feelings.  Men solve the problem.

Imagine the futility and pain when the woman who has waited too long hooks up with the man freshly divorced and moving too fast too soon.  She is looking for the new true-love of her life.  He is looking for a temporary solution to his problem.

This is a common scenario, and not a good one.  The love affair can be a heated one, but one destined to abort, abruptly.  Either the man begins to regain his equilibrium and self-esteem, and leaves for what to him are greener pastures, or the woman gets tired of giving and not getting, sees through the smoke screen finally, and reluctantly takes her heart elsewhere.  Pain, disillusion, guilt, and anger are the results.  And lost time.

The solution?  Awareness.  Communication.  Some EQ (emotional intelligence).  It also pays to have the person you’re dated iinvestigated to determine just exactly what their married status really is.

The man in this scenario is going to be coming forward with both barrels loaded, and that’s one sign to look for.  Protestations of love, promises of babies, and trips to the Caribbean – too much too soon, too good to be true.  Women who’ve dated men in this shape via the Internet tell me they’ve been proposed to by the 3rd email.  It’s heady stuff, especially to the woman who’s waiting a long time and starved for affection.

Is this real love? you wonder.  Does he mean what he says?  How do you judge something like this?  Know the scenario, first of all.  Then, keep your head about you.

Postponing sex is one good way to keep your head about you.  A man who’s interested in who a woman is, has no trouble waiting. A man who wants a woman right now, any woman, is not.  If that’s all he wants and you deny, better to find out sooner than later.

Those wonderful chemicals released in physical intimacy cloud everything and escalate emotions for women.  If you’re just after a nice affair, then go in with your eyes wide open and hang on to your heart.  Those wonderful chemicals are the best antidote in the world for depression, so he’s looking.

BTW, according to a recent survey, only 2% of women think sex on the first date is appropriate, and only 20% of men, so if it’s suggested, wonder why.

It’s highly unlikely someone who has just met you sees the real you and loves you “as you’ve always wanted to be loved” in the space of a few days.  It happens, but I wouldn’t count on it.

Protect yourself, and take your time.  Good things don’t need to be rushed; they tolerate a wait quite well.  Listen to what he says in the between-times, and what he does.  Obsessing about his ex, being overly demanding, being unable to tolerate arguments, over-reacting to your requests, calling them “demands” and“pressure,” and showing ambivalence are all signs that you’re going to be the “transitional affair.  If you get emotionally involved, you’re going to have your heart served to you on a platter.

This has to be something you do on your own, incidentally. (Coaching is good for objective feedback.)  Asking directly won’t produce an honest answer, because likely he’s driven, in denial, and not even honest with himself.

Should you date a man newly-divorced (or separated), I mean for more than idle entertainment?  Since so many men rush into the next affair, even the next marriage, it’s hard to catch one who’s truly ready for a relationship, but it may be worth your time to let some of the adorable newly-divorced (or separated) ones go elsewhere to cut their teeth considering that the second-marriage divorce rate is even higher than the first.   If he rushes on to another broken-heart, it doesn’t mean you need to!

Keep your smarts about you, and good luck!

©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, Internet courses and ebooks to help you find the mate of your dreams.  Email SUSAN DUNN for more information, and free EQ ezine.  To investigate the person you’re dating, let The Closer help you.  We want you to have a great dating experience on the Internet!

Protecting Yourself on the Internet

 

You Can Save Your Marriage Alone
happycouple

by Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach

Marrying the right person is one of the most important decisions you’ll make in your life. No amount of success in the world can make up for failure at home. With divorce rate at 50% and rising (and higher for second marriages, and higher still for third marriages), there are a lot of happy people out there, and a host of “helpers” trying to find out what can help.

Now, even the most happy-appearing couples fight. We know that. And all couples fight about the same things – money, sex, the kids, house cleaning, in-laws, work schedules – and simply because they’re too hungry, angry, stressed or exhausted.

You can’t put two people together anywhere and not have sources of conflict. What counts is being able to handle yourself and get along. I coach, teach and write about this; it’s a field, and it has a name: emotional intelligence (EQ). Somebody finally studied this enigmatic thing called “getting along” and broke it down into competencies such as empathy, constructive discontent, resilience, and intuition. (Yes, intuition. It’s our gut feeling that is our best guide when dealing with other people, because a lot goes on that’s just below the surface.) There are many others, but they all can be learned. I know, because I teach EQ, and I see the dramatic difference it makes in people’s lives.

Are the social and emotional competencies of EQ important to a happy marriage, or is it just luck? Three researchers, Brackett, Warner and Bosco (200%) decided to take a look at how happy a couple was in comparison to their emotional intelligence. ( Article: Emotional intelligence and relationship quality among couples, Brackett et al, Personal Relationships, Vol. 12, No. 2, June 2005)

There are several good tests that measure EQ, by the way. One is The EQ Map.

 

The results of their research study? Just as you would imagine, couples where both had low EQs were the unhappiest. Their scores on “depth, support and positive relationship quality” were low, while their scores on “conflict and negative relationship quality” were high.

 

Couples where both had high EQ were, predictably, happier, but here’s what’s surprising. They weren’t consistently or noticeably happier than couples where only one had high EQ. Just one of the partners having a high EQ can swing the balance.

 

This makes sense when you think about it. After all, it takes two to have a fight, two to agree to a power struggle, two to agree that the world is against them and to be pessimistic.

 

Which one in the couple should have the higher EQ? I’m sure it doesn’t matter. Despite what most people think, men and women test about the same in overall EQ, with men actually a couple of points higher, on the average.

 

The genders do vary on the individual competencies. Reuven Bar-on, Ph.D. has done some interesting research and here’s what he says in a article available on the website of Consortium for Research on Emotional Intelligence:

 

“Females appear to have stronger interpersonal skills than males, but [males] have a higher intrapersonal capacity, are better at managing emotions and are more adaptable than the former. More specifically … women are more aware of emotions, demonstrate more empathy, relate better interpersonally and are more socially responsible than men. On the other hand, men appear to have better self-regard, are more self-reliant, cope better with stress, are more flexible, solve problems better, and are more optimistic than women.”

 

If you disagree with the above, not finding it true for yourself or someone you know, that’s the way statistics are. They don’t always apply to the individual in front of you (or within you). And if you’re a woman who agrees that she’s low in self-reliance, or you’re a man who knows he’s got poor empathy, and feel these detriments might be dragging down your marriage, the good news is that emotional intelligence competencies can be learned. Working with a certified EQ coach is one of the best ways, because it takes practice with real-world circumstances, and also feedback. It goes without saying that if we knew how to attain these competencies on our own, surely we would have by now, because they are so crucial to success and wellness. Reading alone, of course, cannot do it. They must be actualized and then practiced over time.

 

In conclusion, let’s apply a little logic.

  • Marriages are happier when at least one of the partners has high EQ.
  • The unhappiest marriages are the ones in which both partners have low EQ.
  • If you’re in an unhappy marriage, it’s likely both of you have low EQ.
  • If you’re in an unhappy marriage and want to make it happier, then raise your own EQ.

This is good news because EQ can be learned, and also, because the only person in the dyad you have control over, or ever will, is yourself. As Dr. Huizenga says in his book, “Breaking Free from the Affair”

(http://tinyurl.com/72wkh ), an instance when a marriage is seriously unhappy, you may not be able to do anything about the cheating partner, but you can – and should – work on yourself.

 

Increase your emotional intelligence. The happiness you save may be your own.

©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, Internet courses and ebooks to help you find the mate of your dreams.  Email SUSAN DUNN for more information, and free EQ ezine.  To investigate the person you’re dating, let The Closer help you.  We want you to have a great dating experience on the Internet!